Chief Planning Officer, Zac Ellwood, apologised to members of the Western Planning Committee last night for the shortcomings of the Council’s planning portal.
Dare we suggest that he publicly apologise to residents – some of whom have been waiting so long to get an application determined that they believe asking God for Nelson to get his eye back would be easier and quicker!
As for checking on the current status of the schemes languishing at Waverley Towers – shortly to become a pile of rubble – forget it! The screen spools and spool and spool and spools and spool no doubt you get the idea!
But at least and at last, thanks to the Head Planning Honcho’s explanation, we now know why everything has been grinding ever-more slowly on Planet Planning Portal – otherwise known as Planet Zonk.
Apparently, it’s all to do with the BOTS! Yes, folks, we said BOTS – not to be confused with former Tory leader Potts!
At last night’s meeting, we could repeat the long and laborious explanation from the Head Honcho of Planning, but we don’t want you falling asleep in your cornflakes! Suffice to say; a BOT is a web robot, a software application that runs automated tasks over the internet. Typically BOTs perform simple, repetitive tasks much faster than a person, but, at Waverley Towers, the rot has set into the BOTS, and they’ve run amok. They are now mismanaging Your Waverley’s Planning Portal! Not much change there then!
With most of the staff from the Waverley Planning Department still working from home – or AWL (Absent with Leave!) as it’s now known – the BOTS have taken over the Asylum! But fear not, according to the Head Honcho from Planning, the Men in White Coats are coming to take them away – the BOTS that is! – and once again, The Burys will resemble the Marie Celeste – no change there either then! – It has done ever since Civil Servants were given leave of absence to work from home so they could load the washing machine, unload the dishwasher, pick the kids up from school and walk Fido, all without work interfering with these activities.
So folks, fear not, the new software is on the trot to interrogate and stop the bots, and according to Zac ‘The Knife’, all will be well sometime next week. We live in hope!