FROM WHIP TO STICK IN ONE SWIFT KICK!

It would seem the chickens have come home to roost for the woman, formerly known as the Deputy Dominatrix, in the recent reshuffle following Teresa May’s now infamous election victory that wasn’t!

Without a parliamentary majority and with Labour, the Greens (or do we mean the Green?!), the Lib Dems and the SNP hell-bent on a summer of discontent, the Tories know that their Whips need to be of the highest calibre. No surprises, then the woman formerly known as the Deputy Dom hasn’t made the grade, cut the mustard, come up to snuff … we could go on but you get the picture.

Too busy rushing around the Westminster Village, calling in political favours at the behest of Protect our Little Corner … to be effective where  it now really matters – in the Whips Office!  Now the going’s got tough the Deputy Dom has been kicked into the long grass – otherwise known as the Department of Education.  There where no one expects anything of  import or substance to occur now the PM’s grandiose plan for more grammar schools has been abandoned because the Trots, who are snapping at her heels, don’t like anything that smacks of middle-class privilege!

Rumours abound that Matron Milton’s leaving present from the Whips Office was a T-shirt bearing the inscription Been there, done that, made it all better!

As if!!!

One of the wits at the Waverley Web’s most recent brain-storming suggested a better strap line for the woman formerly known as the Deputy Dom: Just Relax! This won’t hurt a bit …

Who’s she trying to kid? The people of Cranleigh who are up to their necks in sh*t pits and concrete, all because she bullied Barwell into calling in the Biggest Brownfield site in the Borough! Another lot going through next week on a – flood plain, opposite the Poo Factory!

Having spent her formative years on the wards and in the sluice room, before sliding down into the sewers of Westminster, we can only assume Matron Milton presumes that, like her, the people of Cranleigh don’t mind being up to their elbows in effluent … or, maybe, it’s just that when the sh*t hits the fan in Cranleigh, Matron Milton will simply waltz back up the A281 to Guildford …

Or maybe she just got caught short for, rumour has it, Matron Milton was planning to retire at the next election but was wrong-footed when the PM called a snap one. Although her vote was 2.5% down on two years ago that didn’t stop the lacklustre Guildford MP gushing to the Surrey Advertiser, ‘It’s fantastic and I think the really humbling moment is the fact the people of Guildford and Cranleigh have put their trust and faith in me again …’

Hardly! Let’s get real for a moment. As we’ve said before – and, as our regular readers know, we never mind repeating ourselves – Matron Milton has the good fortune to be in a seat so safe it they put a blue rosette on the arse of a monkey  Cranleigh residents would vote for it! 

The DD has spent her entire career in the butts arena – first she was sticking it to people with a syringe, then  tongue-lashing them into shape in the Whips Office and now she’s landed on her butt in education where she will, no doubt, be dishing out six of the best to the right to  the far right. Oh how the not so mighty have fallen …! Strange to think Cronus, the Tory Chief Whip, Gavin Williamson’s, desk-top tarantula survived the reshuffle whilst the hapless Matron Milton didn’t. What’s he got she hasn’t? Well, according to the Chief Whip, ‘ Cronus is a perfect example of an incredibly clean, ruthless killer – absolutely fascinating to rear.’ And there you have it, we’re back to the butts again!

Butt enough of the Westminster Village! Back  in Alfold and Dunsfold, rumour has it Matron Milton and Kevin D’Anus have been working closely together to dash the Dunsfold development, which leads us to conclude with that old chestnut:

What did one butt cheek (D’Anus) say to the other butt cheek (Matron Milton): Together we can stop this brown stuff and plump for the green stuff.

Talking of ‘that Dick D’Anus’ rumour in the corridors of Waverley has it that Kevin D’Anus thinks he’s got a great ass … What???!!!??? Apparently, it’s because every time he finishes talking and walks away he hears people whisper, ‘What an ass!’ Yep, you read it here first, folks!