The moon is in a partial elliptical transcendence with Pluto. This aligns in early spring with most people’s need for a pint or something stronger!
This is a period of great change. Always pack an extra pair of underpants. And lack of alcohol will have severe consequences. Readers take note that single tickets out of the country will be at a premium.
January
Heavy snow. “I mean, who would expect it to snow in the Winter?” says Surrey County Council Highways manager. With desperate scenes in Shackleford as champagne supplies run low.
Mass redundancies in the retail and hospitality sector as the UK economy collapses.
Lucky word Bonkers
Lucky number Three
Lucky colour Red
Farming advice. Wet. So don’t plant anything.
February
Rain. Flooding. Hundred-year event, just like last year’s hundred-year event. Wey navigation now goes to Farnham. Plan for Gostrey Marina before council planners.
Campaign to bury Jeremy Hunt at Brightwells gains signatures.
The Bramley stink continues.
Lucky word Tremble
Lucky number Fifty one
Lucky colour Ox blood red
Farming advice. Wet. So, still don’t plant anything.
March
Rain, Wind, Snow. Power crisis leads residents of Elstead to approve plans for nuclear power station on cricket pitch. Tilford opens first sub aqua pub. Housebuilding stops due to weather causing mass layoffs.
Lucky word Unprecedented
Lucky number Six
Lucky colour Yellow
Farming advice. Wet. So still don’t!
April
Showers. Waverley, BC, goes bust. Guildford, BC, goes bust. SCC goes bust. Massive sale of public assets. Redundancies. Govt runs the borough and county. DWP forces ex-council employees to train as brickies. Building industry at a standstill. Because former council staff are not good at bricklaying, they can’t work from home!
Lucky word Buggered
Lucky number Twelve
Lucky colour Turquoise
Farming advice. Apply for grants from hardship fund
May
Sunny. Frensham Pond is sealed off after algae eat the cafe. AONBs SSIs abolished to allow national projects to progress. Thursley Common was the designated site of the new super-prison. Trinity College Cambridge decided it would be better placed at Dunsfold Airfield—no county elections. Emporer Tim cancels them.
Lucky word Screwed
Lucky number Nineteen
Lucky colour Purple
Farming advice. Flog it and run.
June
Wet. Dunsfold airfield sees the first charter flight bringing EU workers to build houses—Cranleigh bids for City status. Bury Jeremy Hunt campaign gaining further support.
Lucky word Revolution
Lucky number Zero
Lucky colour White
Farming advice………….
July
Sunny. Farnham Infrastructure plan declared a great success as absolutely nothing was done. Great Austen’s compulsory purchase for council housing, and Waverley Lane sees striking new retail development, including Ann Summers superstore. Bramley stink continues.
Lucky word Titular
Lucky number Sixty-nine
Lucky colour Pink
Farming advice. South of France is very nice this time of year before the French arrive.
August
Wet. Ten thousand new homes scheme approved for Puttenham with one new street light as an incentive. “You wouldn’t expect sand in cement,” says Surrey Brickie. as quality issues rise in new homes.
Lucky word Bollard
Lucky number Twenty-six
Lucky colour Brown
Farming advice. You not gone yet?
September
Sunny. Shocking food shortages as quail eggs and foie gras supplies run low. Water companies declare drought. Surrey Hills residents are unaffected as they never touch the stuff and are in Portugal until October.
Lucky word Oblong
Lucky number Ninety-nine
Lucky colour Orange
Farming advice. If you haven’t, you better move on and scarper whilst you can, pal.
October
Wet. Cold. Charterhouse School compulsorily purchased as recycling centre generating power for the new indoor ski facility at Hurtmore and Peper Harrow. “Who would have known timber comes from wood,” says Surrey chippy.
Lucky word Blimey
Lucky number One hundred
Lucky colour Vermilion
Farming advice. Look. You really should have gone by now. Any day now, they will notice there’s nothing to eat.
November
Wet. Snow. Farncombe declares UDI, disassociating itself from Godalming. Plans super highway to Shalford. Two-day celebration in Godalming.
Lucky word Bridge
Lucky number Eighty-three
Lucky colour Grey
Farming advice…….. anybody there…….?
December
Wet. Cold. Storms. Floods. Pestilence.
A national shortage of everything. Bramley is still stinking.
Lucky word Escape
No Lucky number colour……
Farming advice paid taxes and emigrated.
Now and again, we need a bit of fun! WWx
That’s soooooooooooooo funny and……true.
This really is the best blog ever!
Many thanks for all the great posts in 2024
Grateful, from stinky Bramley
ADDENDUM:
Jan – Thames water ceo, Tim weston held in Alfold medieval stocks in the church yard, for his crimes of literal ‘5h1t3 Show’ he is well remunerated to preside over.
Feb – Cllr Townsend makes a grandstanding social media post about how much they’ve already done for Alfold in a bid to quell the unrest from the plebs.
Mar – Cllr Deanus ‘plods’ the streets of Alfold Knee deep in poops, yet again.
Apr – still no actions or outcomes from Cllr townsends patronising social media grandstanding.
May – 5,900 houses due for development at Dunsfold park, given green light on appeal to all be built as 3 ‘eco’ multi storey blocks of flats.
Jun – residents through salvaged poop from the 58th sewage disaster in Alfold in a feign efford to extinguish the fires from the electrical stations that have failed because of all the new developments without infrastructure.
Jul – Alfold summer fete, pardons TW ceo Tom Weston’s’ whilst pitchforking the Loxwood road to prevent the excessive, delinquent HGVs from cutting through every 15 minutes.
Aug – SCC employees on annual leave or fired because they still don’t understand that all their road works improvements and safety measures are just a worthless waste of money if they are not going to actually enforce anything.
Sept – Tsar Elon Musk has decreed that Alfold doesn’t have enough houses.
Oct – Cllr Townsend pointless social media posts without any action, still not actioned.
Nov – rare newts found migrated in various ponds, still un-dredged-culverts, and remaining potholes still underwater and still not fixed, which prevent any future housing development taking place in any parts of Waverley.
Dec – Thakeham Homes CEO and Tim Weston email exchange accidentally made public with plan to use sewage and fresh water mixing to flatten the population of Alfold, and build 17 more tower lock apartments, each with their own slopping out bucket (buckets are leased from Waverley)
Loved it, well done
Thank you for the truth of how screwed we are. Keep keeping us informed please