Is Miss Whiplash about to feel a Backlash?

Q: What does a disgruntled County Councillor do when he can’t persuade his audience to re-select him?

A: Durhh! Launch a hostile takeover, of course!

So eager is Surrey County Councillor Alan Young to get to the top of the greasy pole that he’s clambering over the bodies of all those involved in the Guildford Conservative Association (GCA) to get there.

Forget the mantra, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! that’s for pussies! Councillor Young prefers a more robust approach. If he can’t beat ‘em he’s gonna call for reinforcements and out-vote ‘em!

Rumour has it the narcissistic-nincompoop is so enamoured of himself and his ambition that he’s busy forming his own local army.

Yep, that’s right! Soooooo miffed is the Young Narcissus at not being re-selected to stand for the Surrey County Council seat that his bum is super-glued to that he and a select band of his Ewhurst and Cranleigh acolytes are planning a coup d’etat which, if successful, will see them takeover the Guildford Conservative Association Executive lock stock and smoking barrels! And, boy – so we’re told – are there are a lot of smoking barrels where the Young Narcissus is concerned!

We’ve had it from the horse’s mouth – AKA Tory Moles here in Farnham – that when threatened with not being re-selected for the Eastern villages seat, Young Narcissus set his sights on us! Well – he can keep his hands off our town – we’ve enough problems with A Touch of Frost better known at Waverley as…Patsy who is standing!

Believing himself well-versed in Farnham Fu**-ups – having connived with The Local Gal (AKA Denise Le-Gal) to use Surrey County Council’s dosh-bag to fund the Brightwells East Street re-development scheme, which is so close to all our hearts (not!) – Young Narcissus thought he was a shoe-in …

Misjudged that one though, didn’t he? Unfortunately, for Young Narcissus, his reputation preceded him and with his wife – AKA The Queen Vic – already a County Councillor for Alfold, Dunsfold and beyond, but Farnham was determined to resist a Surrey-wide takeover by the Young Family.

Having chalked that failure up to experience, Young Narcissus tried – and failed – to snatch the Horsham parliamentary seat during the General Election. And that, of course, is at the root of all the intrigue surrounding Narcissus Young and his acolytes!

Keeping up? No? Need a recap? Of course you do, because the waters surrounding Young Narcissus are not as crystal clear as you would expect of a Councillor but deep and murky and decidedly mucky! ( Caravaggio’s depiction of Narcissus gazing at his own reflection in a pool here – source Wikipedia)

So now Young Narcissus – who has ably demonstrated that he has not an ounce of loyalty to the East of the Borough that he so longs to represent – is on the look out for any seat that might be up for grabs – anytime, anywhere, anyhow! He’s not fussy – trust us, he’s really not – about the detail! He just wants a seat – any seat will do – that will enable him to continue clambering up the greasy Tory-Party-Pole.

Therefore, if she’s wise, the Deputy Dominatrix (AKA Matron Milton) will be watching her back, whilst reaching for her gun! And, being a woman, she’ll have no trouble multi-tasking so we’d also recommend that she gets out her flogger whilst she’s at it and starts flicking the heels, not to mention the well-rounded buttocks, of her supporters to ensure they are out in force at the South West Surrey AGM on Friday night.

Why? we hear you mutter?

Because, rumour has it, Young Narcissus and his storm-troopers – some of whom have only recently joined the branch with t(his) sole purpose in mind – are planning to hijack the AGM and launch a hostile takeover bid!

No! we hear you howl!

YES! The usual suspects – who, like Young Narcissus, have little respect for local democracy – are up to their necks in the plot. Yes, we mean the infamous Stennett-Duo, who think it’s perfectly acceptable to resign from Cranleigh Parish Council and yet hold on to their seats on Waverley Borough Council. And then there’s the Widow Ellis of “Bucks Green Volvo fame” of which more anon …

So there you have it, folks, Rent-A-Crowd will be out in force to support Young Narcissus, all the while he continues to dig-deep into his pockets – and those of Surrey County Council – in his endeavours to attract as many ‘supporters’ – AKA schmucks! – to his army.

So what is it, we here you cry, that has so upset the GCA that they’ve withdrawn their support for Young Narcissus?

Where to begin? The rumours are rife and it’s hard to sort the wheat from the chaf but we’re willing to dip our toe in the gutter so that you can hear the mutters:

Rumour has it that Young Narcissus has been claiming that his de-selection is due to “an administrative error”! He really should be careful with that one; has he not heard what happened to Pinocchio?

And then there’s the deal he entered into to buy a property owned by the Cleaves family. Coincidentally, Richard Cleaves is Chairman of Ewhurst Parish Council and he sought advice from Waverley Planners about the prospect of building 22 houses on the land which is now owned by Young Narcissus & the Queen Vic – who have been incredibly busy felling trees and filling in ponds since  acquiring it!

Of course, we could recycle (yes, it is a pun but not, we’ll admit, a very good one!) about Young Narcissus’s involvement in the Great Cycle Track between Cranleigh and Ewhurst that has never been used – and which upset many of Ewhurst’s residents who have believed, for generations, that there is only one decent thing to ever came out of Cranleigh and that’s the road to Ewhurst! They have never wanted the closer links that the Young Narcissus who, whilst doing his Houdini act to get himself out of any fine mess, is so intent on fostering for his own political ends!

Watch this space – when we reveal all with the help of Guilford and Farnham TT’s – Cranleigh/Ewhurst TT’s have gone a bit quiet on us – wonder why?